saturday january 6 2001    |    9:41 a.m.

what a strange day yesterday. i spent just about all of it on the phone, smoking cigarettes. feeling sorry for myself.

erick left in the morning. i'd been with him (and johnny, and denise) for two days straight without coming home, barely breathing, time hurtling out of control. (seriously. i think i got shortchanged with the whole time situation -- that was not a whole week.) going home and leaving him for weeks and weeks was a pretty hard thing to do. but we did it. he drove away and i went home and collapsed in my bed and slept and slept.

the first phone call was for julie. i hadn't talked to her in days and as a result was feeling very out of sorts, and i think she was, too, and chatting was good. a little while later erick called me -- he was home, in california, in the empty and cat-wrecked apartment. getting used to his voice in another state was strange, but reassuring at the same time. his cats purred for me. i can't wait to meet them.

i called fritz a little later on. hadn't talked to her all break, and she was pretty busy so we didn't stay on the phone very long, but she was fine and she was in los angeles (where she lives). sharing a city with him. argh!!

most random phone call of the day came courtesy of michael m_____, a friend from high school, one of the very few people i still sporadically keep in touch with. it's always kind of weird talking to him, because he tells me all these stories about people i went to school with who, frankly, i'd rather just forget about. "did you hear so-and-so got married? and so-and-so is pregnant? and the little scandal about etc?" we made tentative plans to go out for drinks tomorrow (today, actually) night, but i'm not sure if i'm up for it. too draining. with my other friends, high school is a memory, sure, but it's not the only thing we can base our relationships on. with michael... well, it's been a long time. we'll see.

at this point i decided i could not make myself go to rolando's birthday party. i couldn't. i didn't have anything black or gold or black-and-gold to wear, i hadn't bought him a present, and i just couldn't deal with the crowds of cheer and the dj in his backyard and the mingling and fake plastered smiles. i made up some lame-ass excuse and he was disappointed. but i just couldn't...

julie called me again at night. i watched minimal tv. left a message on erick's answering machine and went to sleep. he called back a little while later and i woke up to his voice and we talked for a long time.

sigh.

that's all i can muster right now. errand-running with mom today, hopefully hanging out with denise later on, i'm in withdrawal of her, too.

she is flying away to sample greener pastures, and i will miss her, and wish her all the luck in the world and the west coast. i hope to join her in the general vicinity soon. she rocks, and we're trading mixtapes. and you, love, i'll be writing a Nice Long Letter to very very soon.

now i am going to have a chocolate chip bagel. yes i am.