tuesday january 16 2000 | 2:15 a.m.
no music tonight. morrissey somewhere in the background and the boy's voice. i just went through quite the series of ten-minute phone cards -- ghetto love, what can i say. we might be broke, but we're happy. is it bad that i predict these late-night conversations to be the highlight of my days here? i'm working on the positive outlook, i swear, but i don't see it happening.
drab day somewhat brightened by a great first class (the divine comedy as taught by professor shutt, who is quite the showman, very cool guy). daniel is in it, and roddy and steve and elizabeth, and i think it should be fun. post-class i took a little walk into "town" (if you can call the college shops that, we go as far as "downtown gambier" sometimes) to buy books for the two registered classes and a pack of overpriced cigarettes at the market. three-fifty, enough to rethink my habit yet again, but with things as they are i think money is negligible for now. it was cold and gray but i was alone with my thoughts and my books and it was pleasant. also good day for email. and i got bubblewrap from fritz to package erick's present. and a great hug from natalie.
jules and fritz and i had dinner at li's tonight, jules' chinese AT. she cooked us all this amazing food and we talked and ate for a good two and a half hours. li is incredibly sweet and dinner was fantastic, but i started getting pretty sad -- general mindset, and a home-cooked meal, and talk of boys, and knowing this small window of time was only temporary and the bubble waited for us outside. and i don't know. i'm sad and i can't really help it. i'm getting that holing-up-in-my-room instinct again. and i can't afford it in any way.
so after dinner i went back to my room and called my parents and teared, but i think i managed to muster up enough cheer to not worry them. and then i picked up the inferno, eight-thirty-ish, and the next thing i know the phone's ringing and it's ten thirty. shit.
it was brucelee. on the phone. i saw him in passing in the peirce tv room after lunch, and said hi. in passing. and then he called. eek. we talked for a good hour -- he's a cool guy and i wouldn't mind hanging out with him, but you know... things have changed... and i don't think he knows that... and i didn't really know how to tell him. i mean, how do you tell someone you're not interested anymore without sounding like a bitch and hurting his feelings in the process? even if i were to work it into conversation -- "my boyfriend this, my boyfriend that" -- well, that's just obnoxious. so i'm in a bind. and i think he's coming to lunch tomorrow. now is the time to give advice. because i'm no good at this sorta stuff.
so then i eeked and acked with fritz, and went back to my room to call erick. he's buying the plane ticket tomorrow. yes he is. he told his mom he is, which means 1) she definitely knows what's up with us now, and 2) she's expecting him to come home in march, so 3) it's official. six weeks. six weeks. sixweekssixweekssixweeks. the countdown begins.
i feel ever so slightly more prepared to face the day tomorrow. poetry at 9:40 in the morning (six hours from now, kids!). then i will skip the reading i wanted to go to because i have to truck over to the post office and get a new key and get my paycheck out of the mailbox and mail the package and go to mount vernon to buy a phone card. then tentative psych (BLEH) class at 1. and at some point i have to go find out about switching jobs, or sticking with the evil slide room gig. probably won't even get a 10-cent raise this semester. damn the system!
i think i will have to call ben and have him take me away to columbus and save me from these doldrums, infuse things with a little punkrock kick, just like last year, same time last year, under very different circumstances. god, everything was so different then -- ben was back and julie was visiting and there were things to look forward to. now it's mostly just uncertainty and stress. lots of blah. blah all around.
danzig + texas = teehee.
so i think it's time to go fill the old water bottle and start thinking about going to sleep.
oh, and i lied about the music:
i keep my way
head down
i keep my way
head down
i keep my way
head down
i keep my way
head down
