saturday february 24 2001    |    3:51 p.m.

i haven't been this hung over in a while. most of my energy at the moment is concentrated on convincing my brain that my stomach is going to be fine. the trip julie and i just took to burger king isn't helping very much at all. we woke up this afternoon feeling like hell and decided we were craving greasy not-food. bad bad idea.

last night started off slow. there was absolutely nothing to do anywhere. we contemplated going to columbus to see a movie, but gas and ticket money would've been a lot. what to do? in a sudden burst of inspiration we realized we could make our own fun, dammit. we felt like drinking and dancing, so if there was no drinking and dancing going on on campus, we'd just make it happen ourselves. so we took a trip down to the market -- julie got a bottle of cheap red wine-brand cheap red wine, and i got a bottle of $4.50 champagne. i think it was called arnold's or something equally sketchy. back at julie's, we blasted michael jackson (thriller, of course) and the venga boys and danced around the room, wine glasses in hand, for a good two hours. we polished off our bottles, down to the last drop, realized we were drunk, and figured we should go out for a while.

the cove was fratboy heaven -- crowded and stuffy and loud, entirely too much. we left and walked to daniel's. he and chris and laura and jeff were sitting around talking and listening to music, obviously in not nearly as rowdy of a mood as julie and i. a little strange. i chatted with laura. julie left soon thereafter, and chris and i left about fifteen minutes later. walked back to his room, giddy from being outside in the chilly air and what seemed like a vast expanse of night. adam and some other friend of theirs came over. we smoked and then there was a lot of philosoblah on the part of chris and brant (the friend). essentially a philosophy major wanking session. adam and i sat back and smoked cigarettes and watched them play off of each other. eventually i left and made it home somehow. chris said today that i missed the action -- adam wore chris' lampshade on his head for a good part of the night (lucid boy that he is, har har), and he and chris took the firehose and turned it on the poor passed out fritz. i think i'm kind of glad i missed the stony cavorting. . .

so yes, i'm paying for yesterday's drunken debauchery now. should be working on comps, but i think i'm going to have to take a little nap before i launch into studying. i feel like my head is floating on top of my body, and my bones are crackling again. i suppose you're only young once for good reason. it's the only period in your sheltered middle-class life when you can afford to be this bored and this fucked up.

ohhhh archers of loaf! reviving the love affair. if nothing else, at least i got a few new bands out of jason. although it's taken me a long long time to be able to listen to them again. ben forced me to listen to guided by voices after that whole thing happened, and it would hurt, physically. we listened to a tape of do the collapse in his car and all i could do was roll down the window to let more space in, or let it out. i still get wistful. but the music is richer and more intimate and mine now, not just jason's. i've thrown a lot of things out, but i still have his letters and his mixtapes with me. i don't think i'll ever be able to get rid of those. i suppose they remind me of how good things were before they got ugly, remind me that it really was worthwhile after all. after all. there's enough distance finally. . . enough that i'm not really angry anymore. sometimes i allow myself to be wistful. i still miss him. the good things. there were so many good things. . . bleh. i suppose this is the way you move on. it doesn't disappear, you don't become insensible to it: the memory fades and it lingers, and it settles in until it becomes comfortable and familiar. then you live with it.

pocket philosophy? chris' bad influence. actually he would laugh at me if he read this, and understandably.

so things really are looking up. i'm going to graduate. very soon. comps are almost out of the way. i will probably go to new york one way or another, and julie will be stationed in china for the peace corps. and then, who knows? but as far as this part of my life -- this is the home stretch. i can taste it. everything is exciting. i just forget sometimes. it's easy to forget that there's life outside the bubble. but there is, and i'm only weeks away. it's sort of frightening and exhilerating at the same time. who would have told me, four years ago, that in four years i'd be here, with these plans and prospects, these experiences, these friends. we're all beginning to sprout a sense of direction, all in our different ways. i love the friends i've gathered together on this thin raft. and everything else.