saturday march 3 2001    |    12:52 a.m.

i suppose i'm writing again because if i didn't i'd start thinking about taking down the diaryland (again).

i'm very tired. it's been a long and mostly bad day. erick got a job offer he couldn't refuse, but he refused it, because taking it would mean not flying to miami for these two weeks. when he told me i told him to call them back. and he did. and he got the job. so i won't see him on tuesday. i don't know when i'll see him. but anything else would have been wrong. under these circumstances.

julie took me to see crouching tiger, hidden dragon tonight. i think it is one of the most beautiful things i have ever seen. i am left wondering about a lot. and thinking that everything happens for a reason. even if the reason is only apparent long after the fact. i don't know.

now in the next two weeks i have this to look forward to: polishing comps, and seeing lots of movies with my mom. i suppose warm weather will be nice. waking up to coffee in the house. doing load after load of laundry. cooking for the parents. i might need this more than i realize. i'm exhausted. i'm drained. and confused. not so much about how i feel, but what to do about it. if anything. and so forth.

haven't started packing yet. writing this and smoking my last cigarette. wishing i could fast-forward to tomorrow night, or transport myself home. i get shuttled back and forth from one place to the next and nothing feels quite right. but driving the familiar route home, listening to my parents talk, watching the skyline through the window . . . this is a good place to be right now. soon enough.

happy birthday. i have a lot to learn.