saturday march 31 2001 | 8:41 p.m.
diaryland is having some loading issues with my crappy old computer and severely outdated browser. i've got the trick down though. it's just a matter of pressing reload. over and over and over. i'm a patient girl.
saturday night. waiting to hear back about some sort of margaritaville event (emphasis on the drinks, not jimmy buffett, i hope) tonight, trying to make plans with a and her friend ellen, who is visiting from england. as usual, there isn't much to do. the seconds are ticking away and the night isn't getting any younger.
i'm not even going to discuss the self-indulgent entry of a few nights ago, except to say that it was honest. and so it stays up, in the spirit of online journaling exhibitionism.
i want to be swept away to columbus or somesuch. last night nick and elizabeth took julie and i to centerburg (the self-proclaimed historic center of ohio) for pizza, and then to columbus to watch jude law. that is, enemy at the gates. mediocre movie, beautifully filmed. julie and i agreed that no single man should be allowed by nature to be that devastatingly gorgeous -- even under layers of cinematic filth and rubble in a set designed to look like war-torn stalingrad circa ww2, jude elicited swooning and sighing from adoring fans throughout the theater. either no man should be allowed to look like that, or all men should, dammit. sigh. lucky sadie frost.
ran into my comps advisor at the deli yesterday afternoon, while fritz and i were getting coffee before she set off for her weekend retreat. and so ms. comps advisor informed me that jim carson, that is, the english department chair, is one of the two faculty members assigned to read my comps. aaaaahhhhhh!!!! the department chair is going to be grimacing throughout my introductory essay. i should have just turned the thing in with no further ado. here: poems: make of them what you will. oh well. comps advisor said she wouldn't let him fail me. insert wobbly smileyface.
sigh again. of a different kind.
she didn't make it all the way down to gambier this weekend. her car broke down in columbus & she was forced to turn back. blah.
the publishing company finally wrote back to inform on upcoming interview dates. here's the thing though: i naïvely believed they'd only be calling back a handful of people. pardon me for feeling special. alas, the callback list is 47 people strong. FORTY-SEVEN!!! naturally they are not flying or accommodating 47 people at their expense. which means i will be purchasing a plane ticket and a one-night stay in a nyc hotel somewhere and cabfare to the publisher and back and the airport and back, plus dealing with the stress of the all-day office tour and five interviews, and i'm willing to bet it will all be in vain. i want to write them and tell them no thanks. would rather try my luck back in miami with ed and a dayjob. told that to the parents, not in so many words, and they were not amused. despite the fact that affording this little jaunt of mine will require serious juggling of finances. i can't bring myself to write this email. i can't. i've been letting it sit and rest since wednesday and i just can't.
call me defeatist. i call myself a realist.
i'm scared of making a mistake either way. i wish i knew at least what direction i'm meant to take.
i got a lovely and wholly unexpected letter from her last week filled with poems. and a fortune-telling fish which claims to tell you who you are based on the static cling resulting from its contact with the palm of your hand. i put it on my palm and it flopped around and crinkled up every which way, and from this i deduce, by way of the clairvoyant fish, that i am jealous | indifferent | in love | fickle | false | dead | passionate. fishy knows the tricks of the trade. i was every possibility.
i am still trying to figure out the meaning of the enclosed photocopied tarot card. there are swords on the wall and a person in bed with his hands on his face: me after an anxiety dream?
i think i'm going to call chris now.
i think we're going crazy
things don't even faze me
her left eye is lazy
nicotine and gravy
miracles amaze me
she looks so israeli
love the way she plays me
think i'm going crazy
beck.a.delic
