thursday april 12 2001    |    8:36 a.m.

and now the antithesis. (what, did i really think i was going to get my way? did i really delude myself into thinking that i'm allowed to make my own decisions? into thinking that it's any different now than it was seven years ago?)

1. still being yanked around on a string.

2. i'm not going to the show. clandestine efforts to put the ticket on julie's card last night weren't any good, either: it was sold out.

3. somehow the purpose of this trip has developed into my mother's personal vacation rather than my job interview. how old am i? maybe more importantly, who am i and what the hell is going on with my life? and why is it still not mine at this point?

4. i'm looking for a ticket to ride.

5. i'm thinking bartleby here, but somehow i'm not ready to drop dead while waiting passive-aggressively.

6. like when i was 17, i just have to keep on thinking: just a few more months.

7. it's the principle of the matter, see. the stories are boring, but maybe i'll tell you anyway one day when we're both drunk enough.

8. middle-class malaise. to be affected unavoidably by something you hate. repeat in circular pattern.

9. at times like these, either crank up something painfully loud, or listen to ween. the more absurd the better, it complements -- no, completes -- the picture. ween is doing well this morning. someone told me a while ago that grasshopper-girl hangs out with the guys from ween. makes perfect sense to me.

10. don't believe the florist when he tells you that the roses are free.

11. one more cigarette. i'm telling myself i can type this and shower and get dressed and make it to class on time. we'll see. art history didn't make the cut today.

12. and of course there are thoughts of not going. but i think that would just screw me even more. so i'm hoping in can cash in my karma points for friday at 9:30 am. jah bless, as malea so rightly put it last night.

13. there was a moment in the car last night, must have been 2 or 3: we both knew we could step on the gas at any point and just keep driving, get the hell out of this town: figure it out on the road: at any point. even when that point passed, when we were left looking back at it in the side-mirrors, still that possibility...

14. ...but again, back to #1. unavoidable.

15. i need to do this. so i can get the Hell Out of This Town.

16. sad state, when you can't even afford a phone card with which to call in and confirm an appointment.

17. maya = all that is worldly is illusion. samsara = the vicious cycle of suffering, that is the material life. nirvana = the breakout. the buddha was a wise man.

18. or, alternately, there is nietzsche: "how necessary is the entire world of suffering, that by means of it the individual may be impelled to realize the redeeming vision."

19. this is all relevant in small intrinsic ways.

20. enough of this and time to get my shit together. back on sunday night.

21. genesis: i'm back in new york   c i t y...