tuesday june 5 2001    |    6:53 p.m.

early today when i finally got home and picked up the phone to call mark, my hands were still shaking. he could tell.

i'm still losing my oldest friend. last night in the car, he was banging his head on the steering wheel and shout-screaming at a volume i don't think i've ever heard before, and hope never to hear again. finally i got out of the car to call a cab -- we were still parked in denise's driveway. i didn't have enough money, not nearly. he had drunk half a bottle of bourbon, and was still raving in the car. but he wasn't going to stay at denise's, and i couldn't make my mom drive an hour out of her way the next day after work to pick me up. so she and i watched tv to distract ourselves a little, to calm down, and to let him cool off in the car. we drove home finally at 4:30, unsteadily, listening to npr.

i don't know what to do anymore. i don't know what else he wants to do with me. he's shouted and screamed and ranted and raved, and apologized, and not, and insulted, and reduced me to tears. denise told me it's his way of forcing me to prove my friendship. but honestly, at this point, if he doesn't know by now, it's because he doesn't want to. i'm tired. i don't need this. there is no support, no camaraderie, no fun, no silliness, no breathing room, no discovery; nothing positive in this anymore. hasn't been for a long, long time. just dread. and so i think this is over.

i don't think i want to know you anymore.