friday may 31 2002    |    2:07 a.m.

i like hanging out with david (formerly chicagoboy). in the days of the crush, it was more of a starry-eyed awe thing. i don't know what it is now. he's silly and pompous and wacky and smart, and that's a lot of fun. i like driving around listening to his crazy experimental noise tapes by bands i've never even heard mentioned (try lovesliescrushed) while he talks to me about moroccan food or his friend brian from chicago or his string of crazy exotic girlfriends or daily crap about work. i dunno. i think we make good friends.

yesterday i went to the silly mall and got my hair cut. a bob and coppery highlights and i love it -- it's all about transition. i got some other frivolous things and spritzed on some marc jacobs at sephora (oh testers, how i love thee) and felt like i'd just returned from some vacation far and farther away, me and my hair and much billowing gardenia. so then my mom and i sat on a bench out by the parking lot while i had a cigarette, and suddenly behind me i heard "i knew it was you!" and next thing i know i'm hugging scott's best friend jeff and his girlfriend laura, and i'm getting misty-eyed.

so when i got home i kind of needed a stiff drink, but of course everyone had other plans, so i called david up. half an hour later, we were on our way to his friend tall's new and unexpected apartment, where they dropped off a tv from his previous apartment. apparently tall dated this girl for a few weeks, and then the girl decided to take a little vacation in san francisco. but then she called him a few nights later and told him she wasn't coming back. so now he's stuck with the apartment and her things -- until she comes to collect them -- and it's just bizarre. although david and i were telling him he's super lucky, because at least he got an apartment out of it, damn it. one with a big balcony and a view of the bay and miami beach and blue carpet with wine-colored walls. so tall -- who really is strikingly tall and does not disclose his real name and has to be the most fortuitous mix of ethnicities ever -- poured us some shitty wine in some nice glasses and asked if he could take my picture for some work he's doing and was just super gracious and natural and charming. so then some cute italian girl he's seeing came to pick him up, and david and i went our own separate way. to lost weekend, where it was ladies' night, so it was packed beyond belief and the old milwaukee was free flowin', let me tell you. so we drank and chatted and peoplewatched.

actually i do sort of know what it is about david. he makes me feel like i'm traveling, like we're out on an expedition and there's no end in sight. even when we're just driving to and from work, like today. he's like miami at its best. that might not make sense to anyone who hasn't lived in this city a while.

scott's younger brother eric and their friend sam came to pick him up from work today. he opened and i closed, so i barely saw him, but eric and sam came right over and we were all happy and sad and sheepish at the same time. i just wanted to hug eric. maybe what i miss the most about scott is his group of friends. we were all like a little extended family for a while.

oh well.

see, this is how it's been for the past few days. my life is going on and there are things happening and suddenly between vignette and vignette there's this sharp reminder of scott and of how plainly bizarre it is that he's not supposed to be there in my life anymore. like he's gone from the lead to the bit part and the story's sort of suffering from it.

anyway. i think i'm seeing julie in a couple of weeks. holy shit holy shit holy shit! i'm excited and nervous and ecstatic and worried about how the hell i'm gonna make it to pensacola.

so things are getting all shiny again.