wednesday may 23 2001 | 12:39 a.m.
[ warning: this is going to be a long one. and probably not a very inspired one, as i hardly know how to go about recording all this. bear with me while i get it out of my system. ]
i feel like i haven't written in here in a year, and that even attempting to now will hurt. because, although it's only really been five days or so, a lot [understatement], a lot has happened. but fritz wrote me and she wants entries and i'm gonna give them to her because she wrote me from missouri and because i love her. and because i can't stay away from here too long.
so i suppose i'll start where i left off.
friday was baccalaureate. professor juan depascuale (philosophy) gave what was, in essence, the sendoff speech -- it should have been the graduation speech, and as much as the nice lady who ended up giving it was nice, it fell flat on its face after juan's. he and she do a much better job of describing it than i possibly could. it was a tornado of a speech. it was an aria. it was "nessun dorma" by puccini. the tears just streamed down my face as he wound down, stremed beyond my control, streamed in that unbearably hot and stuffy rainsite of a gym.
there was a beautiful candlelight dinner for seniors and parents that night, and so mom and the uncles came with me. there was free wine in bottles, and it was decent, and we ganked two of white, one of red, most of which we polished off. food was good, random run-ins with friends and their respective parents were happy, family was punchy and hilarious and great.
after the dinner i took the uncles and mom to the cove for drinks. and drink we did, and plenty, except for my mom, who stuck to soda. (she was never much of a partygirl, my mom.) then fritz came and sat with us and discovered that the spanish she learned four years ago in argentina is still very much with her.
[ remember smoking bowls, drinking the mate you'd brought back from argentina from the bombilla, and looking at pictures sophomore year in your room with alicia? was that the night of courtney's visit, too? ]
we talked and drank and then julie came and the family left. the girls and i smoked a bowl by the cove kitchen, just past the parking lot, and then walking up to south campus, because as becky writes, you can do this kind of normally covert thing when the campus is deserted and liminal.
we finished off the emergency stashes and walked to chez john, roddy, toddy and andy for the last time. also i wanted to see if a boy was there to exchange e-mail addresses, but he'd just left. i think i stayed a little longer and then went home to pass out for a while, but my recollections of -- the Last -- night's-end are fuzzy at best. most of the hugging and tears and love happened on the night that fritz and i kicked beer-pong ass. which i think was the night previous?
saturday : graduation. julie and i walked to downtown gambier (awww) with our bags-of-robes under our arms. i bought cigarettes and a frappuccino and we sat as more and more seniors showed up and milled around town waiting to form the procession lines.
such weird feelings that morning . . . they're hard to explain. like two completely different worlds meeting for the first time, and seeming to me hopelessly removed -- from me and from each other -- even though distinctly familiar, and not lost. i'm not sure how else to put it, other than it was like we'd all -- people, scenery -- been uprooted and transported or taken apart and re-assembled or -- dare i say it -- transmogrified and placed in an alien planet that looked and smelled and sounded and acted just like kenyon, but wasn't quite. but there was much bantering among complete or near-strangers, and friends, and the robes felt important draped over our bodies, and we touched our caps gingerly and proudly as they perched uncertainly on our heads. and then we marched.
and suddenly, completely unexpectedly, we were passing through the gates of hell and all the faculty of the college was lining either side, and clapping for all of us. they were applauding us. i think it was one of the most beautiful things i have been through in my life. it might sound silly if you haven't gone through the same thing. it might sound silly that i'm wiping away big rolling tears as i type this. but. it meant everything to me.
we clapped for them in turn, as they filed onto the stage. then we were seated and speeched and finally graduated. my diploma! in latin! [me] ad gradum artium baccalaurei! purple-ribboned and embossed-sealed! and then the senior sing on the steps of rosse hall. julie behind me and daniel next to me and my class surrounding. the first three songs were fine, but i couldn't make it through "kokosing farewell." my voice broke and i cried and cried and then it was over and daniel was hugging me. we hugged and hugged and then he left and that was the last time i saw him.
then everybody dispersed and there was a very anticlimactic lunch out on peirce lawn, everybody knowing this was it and worried about everything but the food. all goodbyes at this point were painfully awkward.
[ natalie! i have not opened the freshman-year message-in-an-absolut-bottle yet! i will finish writing this and then have a cigarette and read it while i do. and probably continue crying my eyes out. ]
back to my room after a lightning-cigarette and hug with you, and back to blitz-packing. i don't know how it all got done. my uncles lugged everything out to the car and/or ups, and that was part of it. i had to leave my poor ancient computer in the trash room. i hadn't had time to save amost any files to disk, so most was lost. tearful hugs with julie and fritz, and then i left.
mom and i were taking the kenyon airport shuttle, and the uncles were following behind us in their rented car with all the luggage and things. and there it was. the moment of truth. standing on the sidewalk by the kc, waiting for the shuttle to fill up, and kenyon all around me and almost gone. i looked everywhere i could but i couldn't focus. how could i focus on something and neglect something else? what was i missing? and then the tears started in earnest. in the shuttle i started crying, the kind of sick crying that becky talks about, crying with my whole body, in big gasping sobs. in the shuttle. halfway to the airport. until the driver handed me some tissues and i took them and leaned back onto the seat and finally passed out.
trekking through airports and boarding planes was welcome, a relief, after all the stress and removed-familiarity of the first half of the day. my uncles were on our same flights (they flew from barcelona into ohio for my graduation, and now they're staying in miami until this sunday), so we were together throughout the day. i slept on the flights, mostly, and then in the atlanta airport my uncles and i searched for the "smoking cages" and had some cigarettes and -- again outside -- people-watched and had lots of weak aiport coffee. home hours later, essentially uneventful save for rental car troubles of the uncles', which forced us to stay up making calls to alamo rent-a-car in the hotel until 4 or 5 am.
sunday: this day i slept.
monday: slept a good way into the afternoon. did laundry. javi and tony (the uncles) and mom and i went on a little tour-by-car of miami beach and south beach. had a beer at norman's, chatted, and went home. at midnight-ish patrick picked me up and we drove to denise's in south miami. the three of us and johnny smoked and played canasta. patrick told me that his father has leukemia -- doctors give him one year, year and a half at most. thursday he and his dad are traveling to louisiana for ten days, where a good bit of his dad's family lives, for a final reunion. my poor patrick.
tuesday: i was woken up at 3 pm by a phone call from ed. uncles arrived at 5:30, and we went on a walking tour of south beach. had piņa coladas and mojitos at news cafe. talked until nightfall. went home. went to publix with mom for groceries.
and here i am now. still waking up at night utterly disconcerted for a few seconds, then realizing i'm here and not there. tearing at the slightest provocation. wondering. planning on starting the job search soon. worrying. missing my friends. hoping to find some direction soon.
more and less rant-like coming up, i promise.
