monday january 28 2002    |    3:27 a.m.

spent all day at home, and a good part on the phone with denise, for the first time in five days. and instead of doing things i just allowed myself to be listless.

i looked around my bedroom from my smoking corner, with rufus on the stereo, appraising where i could possibly put my cds. it's logistically impossible. i need to hit the kmart clearance and get myself some shelves. that was the big conclusion i reached today.

got an unexpected phone call this morning from a high school friend i haven't spoken to in one, two years, and that was both pleasant and traumatic. high school wasn't what you'd call the highlight of my ongoing youth, and being reminded of that sort of sucks. i mean this boy, he's still in touch with everyone and i'm still trying to forget about everyone for good. which is hard when they appear randomly at my work. which is why i resent miami, in part.

i both want to leave this city and i don't. i want to run off and i don't. i want to write and i don't. i want not to be lonely and i do. i haven't the faintest clue what i want and what i don't.

johnny went back to work today and waiterboy was there and he said nothing. they're not particularly tight or anything, but still. so that looks kind of bad. no phone call.

exile in guyville is running through my head and it's like i'm all angsty and sixteen again. except this time around it's a more purposeless feeling.

nothing feels right and i'm mad that i let the prospect of a phone call lift the wrongness for a couple of days and mad that i'm feeling the difference now.

i feel too damn much.

off switch. automatic pilot. let's go.