friday june 22 2001    |    8:53 p.m.

i'm back in miami, a week and a half before i'd anticipated. the few days in colmbus were a complete disaster. complete and utter. and when i got home, a package he'd timed wrong and which arrived while i was there was waiting for me on my desk, as soon as i walked into my bedroom at three-thirty in the morning yesterday (today, really). this was not a happy coincidence.

dusty rescued me from the house on thursday afternoon, and i wheeled my suitcase over to his place. it barely fit inside his room, which is sectioned off with curtains from the others -- he has eight roommates, and more random people crashing there just about every day -- and cluttered with his computer and a mattress on the floor and hundreds of records and cds, very little else. we walked to beekman's for cheap bagels, and then to some record store to check on some album he was looking for. and i all the while completely sleep-deprived and exhausted and in shock. i don't think he knew quite what to do with me. so he invited me to go see the knives at the ailing bernie's that night. sigh.

her boyfriend rescued me from dusty's and drove me to his place in westerville. he went to class and i cried and made frenzied phone calls. luckily i was able to change my plane ticket, so james and tec whisked me away to the airport and were wonderful and such a relief to see and be with after everything.

thank you thank you thank you i can't thank you enough for being my friends. i love you.

today i couldn't wake up but finally i did. and maybe flipped out a little. then i called denise and talking to her was so good. and now i think things are going to be ok.

also today i finally heard from him after all this time. this is also good.

now i'm picking myself up and dusting myself off. maybe starting to take this job search seriously, especially with these scary unforeseen bills from the likes of the alma mater and america online that have taken to arriving. bleh. anyway, yeah, rethinking the things that matter and shrugging off for good the things that don't, and never did, and never will.

i hope it's as easy as just writing it out in here.

thank god, bob pollard, and any other omniscient superpowers for mark linkous, thom yorke, john frusciante, and, well, bob pollard.

if i could just keep my stupid mind together
then my thoughts would cross the land for you to see
no one sees you on a vampire planet
no one sees you like i do

seconds click in which i'm changed to dust
withered roots of knots and hairy rust
no one sees you on a vampire planet
no one sees you like i do

i'm so sick of goodbyes
goodbyes
i'm so sick of goodbyes
goodbyes
goodbyes

night comes crawling in on all fours
sucking up my dreams through the floor

i'm so sick
i'm so sick
of goodbyes
i'm so sick of goodbyes . . .