friday july 6 2001    |    3:51 p.m.

last night : a telling dream :

i had just graduated from kenyon, and was lumped on these ever-extending bleachers with the rest of my enormous class. we were all waiting for the subway trains -- as it turned out, below the school was a whole underground train system leading from gambier to airports of major u.s. cities, maybe even of the world.

so i was standing around by these bleachers waiting to make my way down to the subway when i ran into, of all people, mike s_. he being my high school übercrush: just think: seven years and he's still appearing in my dreams! so mike and i started talking, and he told me he was on his way back to new york -- what he might have been doing in central ohio, i have no idea, -- and i think we maybe talked about the ramones, who were the subject of our last real-life conversation. then he disappeared, and i decided that i would follow him to new york, and that i could always just come back to school later on in the day and take the train to the miami airport. (i have never been a logical dreamer.)

the dream fizzles after i get to the new york airport, which is a combination of other dream-airports and dream-theme parks. i got stuck at the ticket counter trying to figure out whether the last train to miami had already left, except i couldn't articulate my question for some reason.

of importance here are the facts that 1) i left everything without thinking of the consequences because it's what i wanted to do, 2) i went to new york city, and 3) as soon as i got there i was worried and guilt-ridden and, metaphorically i suppose, stuck indefinitely at the ticket counter.

anyway. i don't think my psyche is trying to tell me anything i'm not aware of already.

we don't change our calendar pages anymore / out of fear / what we don't know / can only hurt us in time away

last night the full moon drum circle was pretty bad. granted, we got to the beach at around 2 am, when most everybody had left, but the bonfire was minimal and people were doing fratboy singalong renditions of pearl jam songs and the like. depressing. but we laid down our blanket and the college kids left soon enough and then it was just talking and taking in the night.

i spent all of last winter in ohio wishing for a miami july, and now all i can think of is how much i want the fall to come and to see the leaves change color and smell them in the air and to slip on the first sweater of the season.

i think . . . maybe . . . it has come time again to alternate between jeff buckley and edith piaf. simulated fall.