thursday august 30 2001    |    2:16 a.m.

it ain't that in their hearts they're bad
they'd stick by you if they could
but that's just bullshit
people they ain't no good

bad day. bad day.

i spent most of it lying in bed with my eyes closed or squinting in the half-light, listening to my heartbeat.

suddenly i can't sleep. the second i get in bed, like a programmed alarm, my heart starts pounding against my chest and my throat and wherever else it manages to reach. it started last night and it's been going on today. i don't know.

this is almost the worst part: i started writing something today, just a couple of paragraphs, and when i stopped and re-read it i realized it was complete garbage. crap. did i once know how to write and just end up forgetting? how do you lose your grasp on a language you use every day? how do you lose...?

i don't know. we spend all our lives defending ourselves until one day i suppose we realize we're hostile and closed and it's too late.

or maybe that's just today.